another love i would abuse, no circumstances could excuse.

[erika]

An application recently received for the position of Worst Girlfriend on Earth:

ERIKA...!!!!

Objective: To be left alone and never have to be involved in a romantic relationship ever again.


Education:
School of Hard Knocks. Various Locales. 1998 through 2005.
Baccalaureate in Angst, with a minor in Whining.
   Voted Most Likely to Succeed: 1999, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005.
   110% prostitution-funded schooling.
Masters of Guilt-Tripping.
   Partially funded by serving as a warning to others.
Ph.D. in Emotional Instability.
   Fully funded by tutoring others in the fine art of Manipulation.

Qualifications Specific to the Position:

• Nervous breakdowns on a monthly basis lasting, upon occasion, up to 10 hours.


• Extremely persistent suicidal ideation.


• Forgetful to the point of pain.


• Expects to follow large handbook of inconsistent procedures.


• Caustic and incorrigible wit.


• Utilitarian Ayn Rand devoteé.


• Fully pretentious; ready-loaded with emo song lyrics and ostentatious gestures.


• Fluent in l33t and geek.


• Comes with livejournal coterie for more dramariffic potential.

Previous Positions:
Vile Irritation, Erstwhile Seducer. Misery Loves Company, Inc. March 2004-November 2005.
Originally based in Riverside, CA. Relocation to Arcata, CA.

• Contracted for restructurement of company's infrastructure and re-envisioning of 5 Year Plan. Neither aim accomplished.


• Negligible influence on company's main assets and liabilities.


• Reaffirmed company goals of isolation and non-interference.

Attempted to leave position without notice at least 3 times during employment. Eventually security escorted from building after having ignored months of lay-off notices.


Vice-President of Irascibility in Charge of Abeyance. Boredom and Cortefiel, Ltd. March 2002-February 2004.
Telecommuting position, with occasional administrative visits.

• Lied to preserve value of company stock.
• Performed tasks that rapidly became meaningless & boring in exchange for insipid accolades.
• Work was seasonal and sporadic.

Left on supposedly pleasant terms after promised promotion & relocation was postponed indefinitely. While company attempted to recontract for smaller position, was not interested in demotion.

Honors and Activities:
Honored Member, Heartless Bitches, International.
President & Charter Member: Psi Kappa Omicron.

Oscar, 2004, Best Dramatic Moment That Did Not Involve Quoting Song Lyrics because of a Long-Running Relationship that was Later Revealed to be Completely Beyond Repair. For Esto es como lo que se siente para tener mi rotura del corazón y lastima tan Malo! [sic]

Interests: Cybersex, phone sex, sex in general, BDSM. Breaking points.

References upon request.

Comments

[silent-lorelei.livejournal.com]

I have to ask... who beat you in Most Likely to Succeed at Angst in 2000 and 2001? The world wants to know.

[erika]

Probably YOU.

[antastra.livejournal.com]

No, me!

Yay coterie.

[erika]

Good point! You were probably a graduate student, though, in the years indicated, or I would have had stiff competition for Most Likely to Succeed.

I love the word coterie.

[silent-lorelei.livejournal.com]

...I think I actually failed to be dating anyone in 2000/2001.

[erika]

When did you date Mike? That was sure ... angsty. And stupid.

[silent-lorelei.livejournal.com]

Oh, the first Mike? Uh... 1999, I think, you still beat me. You confused me for a minute, I was thinking the second Mike and was like, "But that was possibly my most angst-free relationship ever!"

[erika]

Wasn't the second Mike the guy whose friend you slept with? Who was John? That's kind of angsty.

[silent-lorelei.livejournal.com]

Only for John. ^_^ Mike was like, "Oh... okay."

[erika]

Really, the only reason I didn't win the title in 2000 and 2001 was that I wasn't dating anyone either.

We must've been concentrating on our schoolwork that year or something.

[silent-lorelei.livejournal.com]

Ridiculous.

...sadly, yeah, I think that was actually it. I'm shamed.