you'd think that i could muster up a little soft shoe gentle sway

[erika]

Reading my old entries:

I was really depressed 90% of the time. Jesus. Thanks for bearing with me.

Steve was a gigantic asshole and I have no idea how I missed that for so long.

I miss Chance and I wish he and I were still friends, but I'm not really sure what happened to stop us being friends, so——

---

Saw my SCL worker today. We talked about the progress I'm making. It doesn't feel like much progress but I know it is.

I'm really frustrated with myself for not finishing my application for a rape advocacy volunteer position. I would have had to call an old colleague and I really hesitate to do that, I think is the issue. I hate it when I run into, for example, my old English teacher Ms. C (now Mrs S), in the grocery store and I have to explain the state of my life.

---

So what is the state of my life?

From the outside, casual cocktail chitchat-like, it looks pretty grim. I've been diagnosed with severe chronic depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have new medications that are helping so much, I can't even tell you. But that's not chitchat, is it?

I don't have a job, so there goes 90% of the conversational openings. I don't volunteer anywhere (yet), but I did recently turn in an application to the library and I still want to do the rape victim advocacy volunteer thing even though I missed the fall training.

I do have a great boyfriend. I'm a little worried about him because he's in school right now and he's sick and being sick at the beginning of the semester is a great way to get behind. Not to mention he's working 20-30 hours a week at Subway, which worries me too, because that's less time for schoolwork.

All in all I'm actually happy. But how do you explain that in a few words that even though my life doesn't look anything like what it's "supposed to"—that American dream of college/job/own home/marriage/family (roughly in that order)—that it's okay? That I've stopped minding quite so much?

Comments

[silent-lorelei.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad you're happy. My life definitely isn't all picket-fency, either, but I'm happy, too. Look at us, we won the game of Life!

(Ms. C is now Mrs. S, say what now?)

[viridian.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're happy. ♥ Finding the right meds is A++. And, meh. The whole American Dream thing doesn't in itself make anyone happy.

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

I believe what my inner "Dear Abby" would suggest for a conversation that will stay on the level of chit-chat "there are still a lot of things i'm working on, but i'm really starting to feel like things are coming together." and smile and beam and ask about them.

i'm happy for you, too.

[michellew.livejournal.com]

You sound better than you have in a long, long time. I like that. :)

[ambsace.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your comment. It came at the right time during a bad day. I'm glad things are on the upswing for you.

Also, I can't /believe/ she married him. WTF.

[erika]

The only thing I can think of is he must be so different outside of school, because I would never have even imagined him as a suitable partner for her based on what I know of them from teaching.

-hugs- So glad to have you in my life, hun.

[yiskah.livejournal.com]

This is a very good post to read. Thank you!

[deadhero.livejournal.com]

Being happy/content > the reasons or the expectations.

So long as you're happy, you're doing it right.

[ophelianfate.livejournal.com]

'I hate it when I run into, for example, my old English teacher Ms. C (now Mrs S), in the grocery store and I have to explain the state of my life.'
This.