man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same (we can drive it home—with one headlight)

[erika]

I'm 25 and I've been chronically depressed since I was 6 or 7 years old. There's no way in hell I'm going to be anything but depressed** (or at the very least, dysthymic) for the rest of my life. The other mood disorders* came along later, as special presents of co-morbidity and life events.

So what the fuck keeps me going? What's my secret?

Well, I'm really fucking stubborn, basically. And what has kept me going was the goal of "no matter what it takes, I am never going to go back to that feeling of complete and utter despair AKA whale shit on the bottom of the ocean for weeks on end."

And you know what? For the past 18 months, I haven't. I really haven't. And that accomplishment empowers me like nothing else. Even though my depression isn't totally in remission, even though I still have to wade through the dreck of low self-esteem and complete and total exhaustion and all those other lovely dysthymic symptoms every fucking day...

I know, in my bones, I will never feel as low as I used to, and when I do feel low, it's for nowhere near as long, and most importantly, I can always see the light of hope showing the way out.

*If you are curious,
I am technically diagnosed with:
MDD, atypical, refractory, recurrent;
Dysthymia, Seasonal AD,
PTSD, Panic Disorder,
Generalized Anxiety Disorder,
"Probable" ADHD (inattentive type) and finally,
some "Cluster B traits" of personality disorder.

** 90% of people who have had 3 episodes of depression
can expect to have a fourth, says the DSM.
I've had more like 12.

Comments

[stormy]

That's awesome that you've come so far! ♥

[erika]

It amazes me every day.

[(Anonymous)]

Depression sucks and is so hard to deal with it. For people that haven't ever been diagnosed with it or experienced it they have no clue how hard it even is. The fact that you are doing better with it and always seeing that "light of hope" now when things get low is amazing.

P.S. I LOVE that icon...The Golden Girls rule!

[singdreamlove]

Ok...that anonymous comment posted before this one - that was me. I had no clue that I had even gotten logged out because I was reading right from my reading page...weird. Sorry about that!

[erika]

re: your icon: is your real name Miranda? That's so weird.

[singdreamlove]

Yep, it is! Why is that weird?

[amalnahurriyeh]

That's an amazing accomplishment. Kudos.

[erika]

Thank you!

[silverhare]

I know, in my bones, I will never feel as low as I used to, and when I do feel low, it's for nowhere near as long, and most importantly, I can always see the light of hope showing the way out.

*beams* I have that. It makes each successive episode so different, so much more filled with hope and a calm centred knowledge that I will find a way out.

[erika]

Exactly.

I'm not precisely sure where it came from or what I did to deserve it, but I'm grabbing onto it with both hands, by gum.

[rydra_wong]

ROCK THE FUCK ON.

ETA: 90% of people who have had 3 episodes of depression can expect to have a fourth, says the DSM.

We should get club badges or something.

[erika]

Yeah, seriously (re: the badges). Maybe something like this.

[rydra_wong]

A friend of mine in the looney bin and I did start suggesting that we should get frequent flyer miles ...

[falena]

This is awesome. :)

[erika]

Yes, yes, it is. :D

[deathgaze]

It's so amazing how positive you are! You're really an inspiration, you know :)

[erika]

Oh man. I've never thought of myself that way. Thank you.

FWIW

[(Anonymous)]

There are several 3rd and 4th line depression treatments that a lot of pdocs don't even know about. Don't give up yet. I've been suicidal off and on since I was 11, and it took nearly 15 years to find a cocktail where I didn't have a major depressive episode once a year.

It's your brain. It's not unreasonable to expect it to do what you want it to.

-VE

Oh, one of the words recapatca is making me type is "fingered"