man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same (we can drive it home—with one headlight)

[erika]

I'm 25 and I've been chronically depressed since I was 6 or 7 years old. There's no way in hell I'm going to be anything but depressed** (or at the very least, dysthymic) for the rest of my life. The other mood disorders* came along later, as special presents of co-morbidity and life events.

So what the fuck keeps me going? What's my secret?

Well, I'm really fucking stubborn, basically. And what has kept me going was the goal of "no matter what it takes, I am never going to go back to that feeling of complete and utter despair AKA whale shit on the bottom of the ocean for weeks on end."

And you know what? For the past 18 months, I haven't. I really haven't. And that accomplishment empowers me like nothing else. Even though my depression isn't totally in remission, even though I still have to wade through the dreck of low self-esteem and complete and total exhaustion and all those other lovely dysthymic symptoms every fucking day...

I know, in my bones, I will never feel as low as I used to, and when I do feel low, it's for nowhere near as long, and most importantly, I can always see the light of hope showing the way out.

*If you are curious,
I am technically diagnosed with:
MDD, atypical, refractory, recurrent;
Dysthymia, Seasonal AD,
PTSD, Panic Disorder,
Generalized Anxiety Disorder,
"Probable" ADHD (inattentive type) and finally,
some "Cluster B traits" of personality disorder.

** 90% of people who have had 3 episodes of depression
can expect to have a fourth, says the DSM.
I've had more like 12.

Comments

[erika]

Yes, yes, it is. :D