and i hope you feel better now that it's out

[erika]

Confessions!

1) My grandmother is pretty much dying and the biggest worry I have is not that I will miss her*, but that my mom will break down and I will lose my biggest supporter.

* I pretty much honestly am not that attached to her since she called me the world's worst granddaughter.

2) Mostly, I like Dreamwidth better than LJ for superficial reasons like it has a random icon button. I'm shallow like that. Oh and also I feel like I fit in better here.

3) I'm scared that I'm just going to get worse & worse mentally. I halfway believe it's already/has been happening, despite my best efforts.

4) If I wanted to, I'm about 95% sure I could get my psychiatrist to give me a diagnosis of Pure O OCD mostly based on the whole Bryan thing. As my former therapist, Colette, put it, however: "What would really change if you had that diagnosis? We're already treating you with most of the strongest drugs psychiatry has to offer and you're in therapy out the wazoo."

5) I have an OKCupid profile but there are two problems. My profile doesn't really reflect the uniqueness of being me at all AND I avoid the site because the idea of dating scares me.

---

As alchemi says (with a few changes): Like that other version of this meme, you are also encouraged to confess. However, this one is NOT intended to be anonymous (though I think I have anon commenting turned on, so if you don't feel comfortable being public, that's fine).

They say confession's good for the soul.

Comments

[rhivolution]

Confession: I am so fucking tired of the peer pressure to go run around and 'occupy' shit.

I can't protest here, because I cannot risk being arrested or even being flagged by the government for just participating, ffs.

[erika]

I'm not protesting because I'm not in a major metropolitan area. And also because I don't have the spoons. But mostly because I just don't have the energy to give a shit.

[(Anonymous)]

I am world-shatteringly envious of a very prolific friend of mine.

(anonymous because: I know she doesn't read here, but I'm still paranoid.)

[erika]

<hugs> That sucks. If it makes you feel better to know you have some company, all I have to do is think about Alena these days to get a massive attack of the green monster.

[(Anonymous)]

It is just very hard to know how to deal with an incredibly helpful, supportive, caring person for whom 2K is a slow day. You know?

[erika]

Yeah.... there's a bit in Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott which really sums this up. I wish I could remember what she said enough to paraphrase it! Argggh!

[shanaqui]

Confession: I never want to leave academia. My mental health went to shit after I graduated and bounced back as soon as I had class again. I'm scared that if I have to leave and face the real world, I'll break down again.

But I'm scared I won't be accepted for a PhD, or that I won't be able to fund it, so... I haven't even asked. Even though I graduated with first class honours from my first degree, and would probably be accepted anywhere I wanted to go on the strength of that.

Another confession: I'm scared I'll never read like I used to again. Reading is such a huge part of my identity, but I haven't touched a book for fun in weeks, not even since I started medication for depression/anxiety. I've been able to research and do my academic stuff, even when that involves reading fiction, but I haven't been able to read anything just for fun.

[erika]

I totally understand not wanting to leave academia!

I used to be able to write. I can't anymore. I don't know what happened.

[gamesiplay.livejournal.com]

We don't know each other, so maybe this won't help at all, but I've felt the way you mention feeling in your third paragraph. I spent a really long time terrified that depression/anxiety/life circumstances had completely robbed me of the ability to read for pleasure. (Or even for school, really.) But over this past summer, I got it back, out of nowhere, and it felt kind of miraculous. So. That can always happen.

[singdreamlove]

Confession: I am scared that poor diet choices and not taking care of myself as I should (this includes more than just diet/exercise - such as not taking medication to keep my mental status "tip-top") have quite possibly finally lead me to a place of no return with my health and my body. I wish I could turn back time and change things - and I hope that I'm not pinned with a not-so-great diagnosis when I see the doctor soon. Emotional/Depressed/Stress eating may literally have become the death of me.

Confession: I call myself a Christian and a "Jesus girl" but I have been everything but what a Christian should be lately. I feel like I'm falling away from that,and it scares me. I'm scared of reverting back to my "old ways" which include things that are not good for me on any level.

Confession: Sometimes, I feel like I am never going to "get it right." I feel like I am somehow always going to be doing worse in life than I should be at my age.

[erika]

-hugs-

[thegorgon]

Confession: Sometimes I want more than anything in the world to do what my sister and brother are doing and get a job, and an apartment, and a group of friends I can party with, and forget about school or anything else. But I know that I'm unlikely to be able to get a job, or afford to move out. And I have never managed to have an active social life. I have a hard enough time keeping one friend at a time.

I am bored with my life and terrified I'd fail at any alternative.

But I graduate this spring and I'm not sure I'm smart enough to get into a good grad school, or sane enough to stick it out if I do. So I'm going to have to find an alternative.

And I can't think of one. And that scares the shit out of me.

[erika]

Oh honey. -offers hugs-