save your sanity for later.

Holidays are always rough for me. I'm not sure what it is, entirely——the pressure to perform this arcane rite of "totally fine" is definitely a large part of it; the enforced family togetherness 'traditions' of inevitable upset and hidden dysfunction.

I'm just so very very tired of pretending face to face. It's hard enough to talk to my closest people online, secure behind my LCD as I type incredibly personal sentiments & thoughts, but I find it nearly impossible to express how I actually feel with anyone who is even the slightest bit involved in "reality".

I know that I won't always feel like this, this solitary wandering confusion——but as much as I talk, enough to drive some away, I have the sinking suspicion that I don't say anything important to the people who are supposed to be closest to me. It's just so much easier when the person I'm talking to isn't involved in the situation. Easier to complain and get support and not actually do anything, because I'm so desperately afraid I can't change the things—the people— that are really affecting me badly.

There's so much going on I barely know where to start. My parents are oblivious as usual. Thank god I leave in six hours or so to see Josh again. And why I'm not there now is a story in and of itself.

I'm going to be helping him move for the next few days, but as I'm in charge of the list of priorities, every three hours or so there's going to be a half an hour break to cuddle and be happy. I demand it, damnit. I'm also returning his dog, who I will really miss, but they're going to be ecstatic to see each other again.

I have no real resolutions for the year to come so far. Maybe I'll come up with some, but I'm so busy rolling with the punches I haven't had time to plan. For now I'm okay with that. When I have room to breathe again, I know some kind of resolutions, in both senses of the word, will be waiting.

I am very, very thankful for my family and friends. I'm also thankful for my health, and my family and friends' health. I'm grateful I lived until I was 25, which I honestly thought would never happen. My dogs, who make every day a delight and every night crack me up with their snoring/dreaming.

I am also, in pettier things, thankful for my new phone and my college classes. And the 3 boxes of Uniball Vision Exacts I have in my dresser.

As is somewhat of a tradition and because soshesays likes it when I do this:

• My broken phone charger, x2. (Amazon sent me a new one. It also broke. WTF.)


• Bryan taking forever to get back to me on Srs Emails. (Not his fault, but it maketh with the cranky.)


• The fucking battery life on my phone.


• Taking 12+ pills a day to feel something close to normal (I'm not counting them again so this time I'm just thinking of the prescribed meds, not even supplements.)


• My fucking sticky keyboard because I spilled coke on it EVEN THOUGH I'VE CLEANED IT TWICE WTF.


• The fact that Sonic is now shut.

A little late, but better saved than never:

Atheist haiku at Christmas time -
      by amandapage.

Please Excuse me for
borrowing your holiday,
the lights are shiny

Atheist Christmas
No responsibilities
Delicious eggnog