save your sanity for later.

The response to my post meant that I had the funding I needed for the emergency shit (that had to be paid within the next 4 days) within the first 4 hours of my plea. I see this as such a manifestation of love that I feel truly overwhelmed.

Even now I'm completely tongue-tied and I can only pray that this doesn't offend anyone, but the only way I can describe how I felt was to tell you what happen when Josh saw my paypal account history and he wanted to know what that was.

I said I'd asked my friends on dreamwidth (and lj) for donations that they could reasonably spare. He looked at the transaction history of more than 20 people and amounts ranging from 3 dollars to more than 50 times that... and said:

"Look, I want you to look at that."

And I couldn't, because my eyes were blurred and my glasses fogged from sudden precipitation, but he knelt down and whispered in my ear.

"Erika, sweetheart, you give until it hurts because you're scared that people will reject you if you need something. But this is what happens when you need something: we love you back.

"Look at how much love there is. Look at how many notes you've received that say nothing but "Pay it forward" or "Best wishes", baby. Look at how many people are so generous with their hard won funds, that they send you the amount they can, even though you know times are so hard right now. Imagine how many other people would have done it if they could have, who are holding you in their thoughts right now."

I love you so much, he said. I just wish you could see how worthy you are of all good things.

And, god help me, for a minute there, I really did connect with how universally we all deserve to be loved, myself just as much. And when I came back to myself, I was clinging to Josh and crying, and he'd taken my glasses off and was kissing my forehead.

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If any of the people who made a donation would like to get in touch with me further, I would like to thank you personally, but of course it's not necessary. You can PM me on dreamwidth or livejournal, anonymous commenting is turned on and screened if you prefer to remain anonymous, and you can always email me at erika@dreamwidth.org as well.

Should you prefer to remain anonymous to the extent possible, which is more than okay, I won't contact you further. I just wanted to let you know simply know that all the donations I received I treasure and will pay forward, and both of us (and probably the dogs too) appreciate down to the very soul the concrete manifestations of good wishes from my friends and from strangers.

The dogs thank you because Mommy being less freaked out = more time for snuggling.

( images of me as I was this morning )

Due to popular demand, I'm writing a quick post to explain what's going on in my life. My life is like a popular soap: miss a couple entries or start reading late and you'll miss a lot, but hopefully you can think of this as your Soap Opera Digest.

(When I was upset sometime during 2008 I went through and privatized all my old entries, so trust me, I don't blame anyone for getting confused about events prior to that, nor do I expect that someone will have read my full public archive by the time they friend me!)

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Firstly: I'm Erika. I'm 24 years old; I currently live with my parents in a suburb of Iowa City, IA. I have two beagles named Teyla (female, adopted as a puppy, 4 1/2 years old) and Ronon (male, rescue, somewhere between 7 1/2 and 9 years old).

I suffer from severe depression (duh). I write about it a lot. I also take a lot of medication for it. Due to my depression and comorbid (coexisting) anxiety, I haven't been able to work since 2007. I'm slowly starting to take classes again.

Major events in my life:
When I was 16 I was diagnosed with depression.
In 2004 my house burnt down; for a long time I believed it was my fault, which was not borne out by investigation or evidence.
3/04 Because of the house burning down, I freaked out and moved to California and in with Steve, where I tried to kill myself multiple times and was hospitalized twice over the course of the time I lived there.
5/05 Moved back to Iowa, hospitalized again once.
7/06 Got the job at gov't contractor.
11/06 Moved in with Chance.
7/07 Left my job at gov't contractor on disability.
Sometime in here: Applied for Social Security disability.
8/08 Moved in with my parents.
1/09 Chance moved back to Arizona.
6/09 I get a social worker who comes to my house every week and takes me out places and encourages me to do stuff.
10/09 I start volunteering.
1/10 I start back at school for a nursing degree.

If there's anything else I mention that you don't get, please let me know. Much like Ferris Bueller, my "life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

(I was going to go through and link entries to these things, but I thought that might just be more confusing.)