save your sanity for later.

HERE I AM IN CALIFORNIA.

So excite, very anxiety, much broke; job offer waits for background check to strike.

too much to write about so here are some links to things I made:

GOFUNDME --
true story, ok:
I did not want to have to do this but I am completely effing broke and my peeps were all like "you can ask for money it's ok" and I was like "NO! as an Iowan, I live by grit and my stubborn jaw, with MAYBE some corn syrup for gas" but now I'm in California so I'm trying to fit in by having NO SHAME.

photos from my trip driving from Iowa to California via TOO MANY MILES

------

People in my life have gotten incredibly worried when I talk about not having stable housing. Look, loves, I'm not downplaying your concerns in the slightest. Me? I pretty much only get scared by irrationality: heights, jump scares, enclosed places I can't leave, and the murky waters of emotional lotus-fertilizer.

Trust, I know my sense of fear is fucked up, but based on experience, the average stranger is a lot less likely to assault me than someone I date. Statistics bear this out, people, it's not just my shitty choices!

I empathize too much with inanimate objects.

A month ago was panda's birthday. Since a lot of you are also friends with her, go wish her a happy 'new year', because holy shit I am having major problems wanting to leave the house when Josh isn't going with me. When I started writing this entry, I first said 'in a few days' then 'yesterday' and then 'a week ago'. Time goes so fast.

Oh yeah, and it's my birthday too today. So it goes.

---

I can now say that I do want to be poly but my heart says OMFG YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE JOSH. This disconnect is cumbersome, to say the least. Aside from the sexual shenanigans (you know me, you know there have been those), we've been trying it slowly.* Very slowly. Too fast for me, but realistically pretty slowly. There's been some miscommunication, etc, but I'm trying to live and laugh and learn from it, engrave in my heart that It's okay, that maybe it comes with the territory of loving someone that your miscommunications sometimes double fail. Like D&D: living with someone means you get two dice rolls on communication, but if they both fail or if one crit fails, you're both screwed.

* Not to say I haven't had more threesomes in the past few months than you could shake a stick at, and I can shake a pretty hefty stick, as it turns out. (C'mon, you know me, only innuendo where inyourend-o would do?)

---

I'm still working at the mental health place as a peer support specialist. It's pretty awesome. I have some amazing people that I talk to, including my therapist.

I went into the hospital for a few days about a month after I got back from San Francisco, in early September. Went back on Abilify. There's little to say about that, except that I wish I didn't have to, but I'm okay with it.

There are quite a few things I wish I didn't have to be okay with, but I am. I suppose that's what being an adult is like. If it meant I would post this entry today still, I'd go into them, but I haven't, because I can't, because writer's block at the moment.

---

I've made some more friends IN REAL LIFE. Time remains to show how friendly they are, but I have an actual social life now and it's amazing, you guys.

Doesn't mean I love you any less. Just that sometimes I need to see other people, and I promise I'll always come back to you too, in my own special way.